Twisted Tales
by readaholicgina
Summary: What if Bella and Edward got to read Twilight before meeting? What if Bella wasnt a blushing, lip biting Girl, Edward has more problems then Bellas blood singing to him, in fact he has a handful with her! EXTREME COURSE LANGUAGE, LEMONS, AU.
1. Fuck My Life

Disclaimer: All things Twilight saga are not owned by me i just like to twist peoples words ;P

**Chapter One: Fuck My Life**

"Fucking bitch" I muttered under my breath, I cant believe my mother is doing this to me, what sort of mother just decides that to send her only daughter to the middle of fucking nowhere where all it does is fucking rain, like sure…I suppose I have been a bit of a hormonal bitch to her but if she would stop opening her fucking legs to every man and his dog, perhaps I would have just a tad bit more respect for her, but noooo…..Renee has decided that she has to get a `life' so what does that make me other then chopped liver? Yep that makes me soon to be the New Girl in the hill billy town of Forks that has the population of fuck all, Rains all the fucking time and is green, and not just grass in leaves green but everywhere is green, and then to add insult to injury my darling father Charlie is the god damn police chief of the backwards little town, so now that means I will have no fucking life, Fucking great!

"Bella, hurry up and grab your bags we have to be at the airport within 20 minutes" Renee bellowed from the bottom of the stairs.

"Yeah im fucking coming already mother dearest, don't bust a gut trying to help me with my bags or anything, god forbid you broke a nail!" I sneered at her as I walked past.

"Wow Bella, its good to know that you have grown into such a respectable young lady, im sure I did a better job at bring you up at then that!"

"Whatever you think Renee, and just for the record I wasn't brought up, I was fucking dragged up!"

Bitch! I screamed to myself.

Once all the bags were packed in the car, I gave the house that has been my home for the last 12 years of my life, the royal salute with my middle finger making sure that Phil my mothers latest fuck that was peering out the window like a creeper, saw it, smiling victoriously to myself at my final act of defiance I hoped in the car and popped in my head phones for the iPod so I didn't have to listen to mother dearest drown on about shit.

Once at the Airport Renee is hugging me and telling me to be good to Charlie, whatever, it's not as though I really even know the guy, seeing him on rare occasions because he is married to his job so doesn't count, though the money he sends at birthdays and Christmas sure is appreciated.

"Oh, I totally forgot this packaged arrive for you just before we left, its heavy so im guessing its books or something, anyways perhaps that will keep you out of trouble on the plane on the way" Renee says.

"Yeah whatever, have a nice 'life'" I sneer at her and grab my package and head for my plane that had just been called, making sure not to look back at her.

Once I was settle on the plane I open up my package and look at the books, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, okay well I have never heard of them before and I have always been a bit of a sucker for a good book so I grab the first one Twilight and start to have a read.

I make it through the first chapter the whole time my mouth is agape and my brows are furrowed, at the end im looking around the plane for the hidden cameras cause this shit has to be some sort of motherfucking candid camera or something, It is sort of about me well kind of, perhaps if I loved my mother, was shy, blushed, didn't swear and was a fucking push over. But details like leaving phoenix and moving to Forks, and well fuck my full fucking name! But the thing that got me was This Edward guy, according to the blurb this guy is meant to be a fucking vampire and im making googly eyes at him, I don't fucking think so!

Even know this book is already a bit off the page, it has me intrigued so I plunge back in and lose myself in my alternate Universe.

I manage to finish the book just before the plane lands and walk out to the front entrance of the airport with bags in tow in search of Charlie, and of course there he is in the front loading zone, in a fucking police cruiser, Fuck my life!

I made the general small chat with Charlie thanking the heavens that the guy cant hold a conversation for more then 5 minutes, and then drift my mind back to the book that I just read.

I'm sort if curious on everything that I read, well for example the fact that vampires don't actually fucking exist, but the idea that I could possibly meet a guy, would be fucking nice, all the guys in Phoenix were fucking losers that I wouldn't waste my time of day on, but for some reason just thinking the name Edward was doing very strange things to my insides like having butterfly's, Jesus Christ I have gone fucking crazy, all I can think about is a fucking fictional character.

I have decided that the names in the book at just a coincidence because I am so different to the Bella in the book, for number one, I would have laughed at that Mike guy for being such a tool, number two is that I fucking love presents, and clothes though yes I hate shopping big time, and oh my god if Charlie ever brought me a rusted out Chevy I think I would have a heart attack! EWWWWWW.

But hey once again I refer to the phrase, Fuck My Life! Because pulling into the driveway to a little old house in Greenland central, what is sitting in the driveway, but a fucking monstrosity of a Chevy that looks as old as the vampires I just read about, I decide to try and be nice and thank Charlie for the truck, cause I suppose its either that or getting dropped of in the cruiser, either way this is not a good start.

Its already late so I go up to my old room from when I was a little girl and thank god that at least Charlie was nice enough to change my bed from single to a double, and as soon as my head hits the pillow I dream about a land of vampires and blushing girls.

**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed....the next chapter will be EPOV so stay tuned! Oh and review, review, review! :)**


	2. My little Friend works!

Disclaimer: All things Twilight saga are not owned by me i just like to twist peoples words ;P

**Chapter One: My Little Friend Works  
**

EPOV

"Alice, What the Fuck?" I yelled out.

"What Edward?" Alice replied as she strolled into my room.

I threw the offending books at her, I received them in the mail this morning and have been fully engrossed in them, and Alice had to know something about it because the little pixie is always trying to meddle into my life. Did she decide to translate some of her visions into paper form, it had to be her because the details regarding our family was unmistakeably correct, though Bella, Jesus I hope there really is a Bella out there in Forks, a mate, for me……hmmmm perhaps I can go to the chiefs place tonight and just have a little look….

"Edward, where did you get these? Did you write them? If the volturi ever got a hold of these you would be in big trouble Edward!" Alice Stuttered out.

I furrowed my brow because even shifting through her thoughts made it completely undeniable that this was not her doing. "Alice, I received them this morning in the mail, you really don't know anything about them?"

Instead of answering me she just started to read the books quietly, halfway through the first book all of a sudden her eyes glazed over and I sat startled watching her vision unfold, Me and a Brown haired Beauty lying in the meadow that I go to just think and clear my head from all the voices that constantly swim around in it, Me kissing that same girl, me watching her sleep in my arms, me walking around the school with my arm around her waist, Me making love to her, WHOA wait im OMG…

"Alice?" I stutter

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT EDWARD! She's here, your Mate, you have finally found her and OMG YOU ARE GOING TO BE A FUCKING DAD!" she squeals.

Unfortunately due to Alice's outburst my room is soon flooded with my entire family, instead of trying to explain what is going on I just motion to the books and flew out of the door to my room with my destination to the Chiefs house. It takes me 5 minutes to get there on foot and just as im breaking out of the forest edge, im immediately floored by the scent, Stumbling straight to the ground I try to breath through the burn, gradually after swallowing my umpteenth mouthful of venom im back in control enough to move closer to the house, and slowly make my way to the window on the second story to try and catch a glimpse of what im guessing will be my future.

I test the window and am happy that it is unlocked, slowly I climb through just to be rendered completely motionless by the scent that is so thick in the air, thinking that out side was bad enough, im dumbstruck that a simple human could possibly make me like this, I start to repeat to myself in my head the new mantra 'pain is good' because frankly all I have received is complete pain since entering the property of the Swans.

Once I have got myself a little desensitised to her alluring scent I make my way closer to her bedside to have a good look at her and drop to my knees completely floored by her beauty, her hair is a beautiful chestnut Brown and I cant resist reaching out and touching the wave that are sprawled out on the pillow, OMG so fucking soft….I slowly skim my eyes down her body and my jeans instantly tighten, Jesus after 90 years I have never ever reacted this way towards a person before, in fact I cant even remember a time when I have even had a fucking erection before, I was actually starting to think that my little friend just didn't work at all, god knows I have had plenty of pretty ladies show me things that would make any man weak at the knees but it just never happened so….But holy shit, I don't even know what to do with the fucking thing!

"mmm….Edward" Bella says, and I immediately freeze thinking that she has woken but looking at her I realise that she is sleep talking and not only that but she said my name! Wait, what the fuck? How does she even know my name? I slowly look over to her desk and see the reason; sitting in a pile was the books that have transcribed our future together.

Realising that it is already starting to hit morning, I decide to go home and face the family, and hopefully figure out where these books are from, hopefully Carlisle will be able to help with all this.

"Well if it isn't Little Eddie, did you decide to start the practising for making my niece already?" Emmett booms as he slaps me on the back making me stumble, Asshole!

"Go to hell Emmett!" I flip him off and walk up to my room that still has everybody else in there, having an intense discussion.

_Oh Edward, I've have imagined this day for decades, your own mate, and another daughter!_ Esme thinks to me while hugging me and trying to stop her body from trembling with unshed tears.

Alice jumps up and starts grabbing clothes out of my wardrobe and flings them at me, "Edward, you have to make a good impression on Bella, now everybody out! Its time to get ready for school and to meet out new sister!" Alice squeals the last part bouncing out the door.

Looks like today is going to be a very interesting day!

**A/N: Hope You all enjoyed, this is my first fanfic so be patient with me, dont forget to review!!!! :)**


	3. Hells Bells

Disclaimer: All things Twilight saga are not owned by me I just like to twist people's words ;P

**Chapter Three: Hells Bells**

**BPOV**

There's nothing like waking up the next morning to the sound of your alarm clock blaring that annoying high pitched beeping noise, reaching over I began slapping it senseless to make it stop, but nope the ancient piece of shit wasn't going to stop, so I lifted it with all the strength that I had in my weak morning arms and pegged it at my wardrobe door, effectively silencing it and making it crumble to pieces, hmmm….that's better!

I slowly climb out of bed and head of to do my morning routine to get ready for my first day being the shiny new toy at Forks High, oh goody! After examining my self in the mirror for a bit and applying a bit of make-up and straightening my hair, I slip on my heels, yeah I know im fucking clumsy, but at least when I trip over the non existent ant I can at least blame it on the heals instead of looking like a total tool.

I slowly make my way down stairs, say a quick morning to Charlie at which all I get is a low grunt, Man of many words my dad is! Grab a pop tart and walk out the door.

"Shit" I say under my breath realising I have to drive the behemoth to school, way to make a statement on the first day, perhaps I can park at the back of the parking lot and walk in so nobody sees me! Yep that's the plan. Climbing in I start the engine and squeak in fright at the massive roar of the engine, Jesus there goes the plan, and they will hear me drive a mile away!

Pulling up into the car park at School everybody turns there heads to get a look at me, I notice all of the other shit heap cars and I don't feel so bad until I turn of the engine, ducking under my dash thinking ive just parked at the ghetto school and somebody is shooting at me I slowly realise that it just my hunk of junk back firing to let people know im there, Just fucking great! I dub thee Shitty Shitty Bang Bang!

I climb out of SSBB and make my way to the administration building for the meet and greet, walking into the office I notice that the buildings are old and in need of a coat of paint and the administrator sitting behind the desk is wearing a bright purple shirt with pink love hearts like poke a dots all over it, trying to stifle my laugh I walk up slap my bag on the desk.

"Hey, I'm Bella Swan, I'm hear to pick up a timetable and map"

"Oh Isabella, Charlie has told me so much about you, Welcome to forks, how do you like it so far?"

"Yeah it's alright for what I have seen so far, a bit green for my liking but alls good I guess"

She just smiles and hands me my paperwork explain to me to get my teachers to sign the paper at the beginning of each class then to bring it back at the end of the day.

Looking at my timetable I head of to my first class English, at least I like English, walking into class I reach the teacher and don't even have to introduce myself to them as word has spread around Hicksville of my coming so everybody already knows me, He points me to a seat to sit next to a girl that has brown wavy hair and looks like she will have to chisel her make-up off it is that thick.

"Hey im Jessica, Your Isabella right?"

"um…Bella" I stammer out, OMG Jessica as in Bitch from the book that is snarky towards the Cullen's, I wonder if anymore of this book could be true….no Jesus Bella get a fucking grip.

The rest of the morning follows in the same tune of people introducing them selves to me, so far ive met, Tyler, Mike, Angela (yeah she's nice in a bookworm sort of way) Eric and my personal favourite Lauren, what a snarky bitch, turns out flipping somebody off for giving you filthy looks was unheard of in this dank town.

Realising that this book must have some truth to it I head to the cafeteria for lunch and walk over to the empty corner table that im guess going by the book would be where the Cullen's fake eating lunch, I plop down in a seat raise my feet and rest them on top of the table and pull out my second book to start reading about my so called life, the cafeteria is buzzing with whispers while glancing at me with looks of worry, that I ignore.

Five minutes into my reading I hear people start approaching the table and just pretend to ignore them as the book has me once again totally engrossed, all of a sudden I hear a Gasp and raise my head to stare at the group of the most beautiful looking people I have ever met.

Alice im assuming as she is 4 foot nothing with heals and reminds me of Tinkerbelle, is closely examining my clothes with a look of confusion, "What's up Tinks? Worried you won't get to play Bella Barbie with me because I can dress myself unlike what the book says?" I say all the time smirking in her direction.

"Well if it aint Hells Bells" laughs a bear of a man that proceeds to lift me up and squish the air out of me.

"For the love of all that is holy Emmie Bear, realise me before you squish me" I manage to get out before my air supply manages to empty.

Once he releases me a long legged blonde walks over and smacks him in the back of the head and says simply that he's a Idiot and gives me a nod in which I return, Guess this is Rosalie, I cant ask much more considering she is meant to hate me.

After they take a seat I look over to where Alice is and notice the other tall blonde that can only be Jasper, hmmmm…..

"Casper!" I sneer

"Um Bella its Jasper not Casper" Alice responds to me

"No at the moment its Casper, ive just finished reading the section in the book where the resident not so friendly ghost takes a nip at me for a paper cut" I sneer in his direction.

All of a sudden I have a feeling of Calm wash over me and immediately know that the fucker is playing with my emotions to settle me down!

"Asshole, stop fucking with my emotions, you want me to not be pissed with you I suggest you not lunge for my throat on my Birthday and instead get me a fuck awesome present, Oh…and use gift bags instead of wrapping paper and this whole mess can be avoided."

Casper looks me in the eye and grins and nods in agreement.

All of a sudden I feel all feel as though somebody is breathing on my neck and I shudder, then im lifted and placed down on what feels like a stone bench, looking up I realise that it is the one and only Edward.

"Hello, My Bella"


	4. Fuck Hot Possessiveness

Disclaimer: All things Twilight saga are not owned by me I just like to twist people's words ;P

**Chapter Four: Fuck Hot Possessiveness**

BPOV

Mmhmm these books are full of crap, because the description of the man that had just secured me onto his lap had nothing on real life! His hair can only be described as the classical sex hair, looking like somebody had been gripping while getting the ride of there life (for his safety that had better not have happened), and his eyes, a beautiful gold though his pupils dilated due to his hunger for me, wow that is so sexy!

"Well hello to you too, My Edward" I purred at him.

The most perfect crooked smile crossed his face while also arching an eyebrow at me.

I slowly repositioned my body so I was straddling his lap and laced my arms behind his neck while my hands played with his hair, I looked over his shoulder at the rest of the cafeteria and watched as the faces turned to scowls from most of the females, and looks of horror from others, instinctively my hand came out to give them the royal salute, which caused all the Cullen's to start chuckling while Edward gasped.

"I'm sorry old man, would you prefer me to just bite my lip and blush instead?" I asked while raising an eyebrow up at him in question.

"Other then your physical description, and your strong scent My Bella those books seem to have underestimated you" he replied in his panty dropping voice that had my head swarming with nasty little things that id like to do to him.

"Mhm I must agree with you on that one, the Author seems to have written them about us but minor details are a tad bit wrong"

"Pray tell beautiful Bella, what are some of the things you have noticed are incorrect that I should know about, also are you re-reading the books or are you only onto the second?" he questioned.

"Nope only just started the second, up to the part were Casper over there tries to eat me" I say while turning my head to give Casper a filthy look.

"As for the differences, hmm… well, she has my family wrong, I don't get along with them at all, I didn't choose to move to Hicksville, I was made to by Renee, I hate SSBB the behemoth mobile, as Alice realised I like clothes, I like gifts in fact I live for my birthday and Christmas, I swear like a sailor, and although I may still be a holder of my V-card I still have high respect for orgasms, which if the book it correct and you are a 100 something year old virgin, you would want to get your control in check sometime soon because, kissing isn't going to help the situation your voice seems to have on my panties!" I let him know with a grin.

Unfortunately for Edward being a Vamp seems to have not helped his little problem or should I say massive problem that has made him suddenly lift me off his lap to help hide.

"Good I see we are on the same page now!" I smirk at him.

All Edward manages to do is groan while laying his head back and shaking it, all the while Alice is grinning wildly at me, Jasper smirking at Edward, Emmett's body is trembling with suppressed laughter and Rose is shaking her head with a look of amusement on it.

"Bella, you have to come home with us tonight to meet Carlisle and Esme, but I don't recommend swearing in front of Esme." Alice bouncing in her seat is asking.

"Sure, Sure" I reply.

As my next class is Biology, Edward and me start on our way to class, Edward walks really close to me the whole way but doesn't touch me and it infuriates me to no end, I grab his arm and pull it around my waist, he tenses the whole time but he doesn't attempt to remove it, good boy at least he's learning, I smirk to myself.

We both take a seat together at the desks and I start to take out my books, looking over at Edward after I realise that he hasn't moved, I look into his eyes and realise that they are pitch black, his jaw is clenched and he's looking at me like he's about to kill me, what the fuck is going on, he was fine just minutes again with me sitting on his lap, yeah the book says that I may smell appetising to him but shit I thought we fucking avoided this shit already.

"Edward, what the fuck is going on?" I sneer in his direction trying to keep my voice down so nobody notices.

Through clenched teeth Edward whispers out "It's the heaters in this room they seem to make you scent more enhanced."

"I swear to god Edward, if you fucking try and take a nip at me here, im taking you to the fucking dentist and having your teeth pulled!" I whisper yell at him.

"Fuck im out of here, ill see you after school finishes, im sorry my love."

Rolling my eyes at him I watch him swiftly go up to the teacher and excuse him self, leaving me wonder how many of the things in the book are going to come to pass, even though the characters in real life are so extremely different, well I know I am and well Edward swears a little but other then that he seems extremely straight laced.

Perhaps some things are just fate, obviously it was fate that I moved here, not my choice but it still happened, fate in the biology class, what's next? The car crash, James, god I hope not James, I hate the idea that I will have to were a cast on my leg, what a fashion clash, oh well I will just have to wait and see I guess, hmm I wonder if Alice foresaw what just happened with Edward, you would think that the little pixie could have given us a bit of pre-warning or something.

As soon at Biology finished I head off to my last class, fucking Gym, Jesus this is going to really blow hard. Changing into my gym clothes I listen to all the whispers around me until Lauren decides to gain the courage to just come up and speak to me.

"Did you know the Cullen's before moving here?" she sneered at me.

"As if it's any of your fucking business, you jealous harpy!" I sneer right back at her.

"Stay away from Edward, ive been working on him since he got here, he's mine bitch so back off!"

Unfortunately my only response to her was to laugh in her face; she actually thinks that Edward is hers, what a dissolutional loon, if only she knew what I knew...Ha.

Gym was very uneventful other then coping a ball in the back of the head and accidently hitting others with the ball which admittedly was an accident at the time but kind of made me snicker every time I did it.

After getting changed I head out the gym doors only to be lifted on the bears back as he twirled around in circles jumping and running out into the car park, after the first few hits to his shoulders telling him to let me down I soon stoped as my hand felt like it was shattered, damn marble like vamps.

Edward was standing at the Volvo watching his brother be an idiot with me on his back, asshole, thanks for the help, he is so going to get it from me now.

"Gee thanks for your help Edward, perhaps I would be better of with my Emmie Bear, at least doesn't try to eat me in Class" I sneer at him, daring for him to rebuff, though the response I got was not what I pictured.

Edward immediately came to Emmett and pried me off his back growling out 'mine'. Hmm... That is so fucking sexy, possessive Edward is definitely fuck hot!

"Oh my Edward, my hero, let me bestow upon you a reward for your bravery" I dramatically said.

"And what shall my reward be my fair Bella?" Edward whispered into my ear, making my entire body melt.

"Hmm…perhaps you can wait until tonight, and I will show you then?"

"Of course my Bella but I won't forget, I will get my reward!"

Wow he is definitely better then the book, not so serious, and he is so playful, I like very much!

I look over towards SSBB the behemoth and shudder then I look at Edwards Volvo and shrug and walk towards his car, My truck can stay parked in the parking lot, perhaps somebody would be stupid enough to steal it from me, after all I did leave the keys in it to help them.


End file.
